梦。



所以我说我不再打算了。打破自己的规则,这就是我所做的。我的新规则是;我在我想要的时候写,我想要的,如果我有时间。

我曾经在睡觉前每天晚上喜欢在我的期刊中写作。这是我的仪式,为当天的想法解决我的思想,并在我以为的方式记录,所以我可以看自己的发展。

我想念这个。我想念写作,我错过了与某人说话,或者没有人。所以我打算和任何读的人一起写作并分享自己。

昨晚我和往常一样疯狂的梦想。

我梦见我的妹妹凯特在车祸中死亡。我必须从我的其他妹妹露西举行的现实生活经历中绘制了这一梦想,在一辆车祸中大约14年前现在。这是我曾经经历过的最糟糕的感觉,无论是在梦中和现实生活中。

昨晚我睡着困难 - 我早起(或晚)醒来,扔了一下。所以我梦见我躺在床上,无法入睡。我醒来了帕特里克,他就像,'让我们不睡觉,让我们吃一些意大利面。'所以我们制作了意大利面,把它带到睡觉,看着太阳提出(混淆了我,但仍然是一个梦想)。我的手机响了,这是一个我以前从未见过的数字,所以我没有拿起。然后拍拍电话响了,有人留下了一个语音邮件。我们在发言人身上听,这是我父亲的哭泣。当我爸爸哭了,那就是我知道狗屎的时候很糟糕。他告诉我们凯特认为那天早上的车祸。

that moment, i relived and re-experienced the worst pain i've known in my life. death sucks, all of a sudden any softness of living is gone. it's all hard, rocks everywhere, and the biggest rock of all has been thrown at your heart. you can't breathe for a second; and there's no erasing, no saying sorry or trying again. it's final, and all you can do is bare it and fight for survival. you know everything will change, and life will grow harder before the softness shows itself again.

i texted with kate tonight, so i know she's ok. but for a few minutes this morning i was frozen in shock- really? i'm an only child? another car accident? no more sisters? i won't get to hear my funny lil sis's laugh ever again?

like there is no feeling like losing a loved one, there is no feeling like awaking from a bad dream to realize, it was only a dream. why must i fall for my dreams 99% of the time? i wish i could learn to differentiate dreams from reality.... but then i suppose i wouldn't have a good sleep?

cliche as it is, there is no life without death. i'm sorry that i've had to experience the death of someone so close to me, yet i am lucky to have experienced the full depth of what life can hand us. we are so fragile, and everything can change in an instant. we don't have all the time in the world, and everything is possible.

more than ever, i want to share my heart with people i love. so what if i cry and tremble when i talk about my dreams? life is fleeting and useless if we hide ourselves because we're afraid to show emotions. my peepa (grandfather) used to cry all the time when he talked about things close to his heart. i always admired that, and i long to not care if i shed a tear when i reveal my thoughts.

好吧,现在是时候再次击中枕头,并冒回梦境。我希望今晚今晚余额余额,我可以在舞台上飞行或在舞台上进行舞蹈,或者成为第一任女总统。是的,这听起来很公平。晚安,我的爱。

照片C / O.jmbarclay.

5 comments:

  1. Hayley,我想说些什么,但我无言以对。我无法想象失去如此亲密,兄弟姐妹,一个孩子的东西。
    我的一个邻居刚刚失去了他们的儿子(22岁)突然,我一直对她的家人在我的心脏这样的悲伤思考。阅读你的话语悲伤的表面。我坐在我的厨房上,在我的露台上听,听到街对面哭泣的丈夫,觉得泪流满面的泪流满面。这太伤心了。

    另一件值得注意的事,我也有很生动的梦。Many times I awake (like this morning) crying or feeling angry as if the dream is reality. I sometimes wonder if this is because of our organic creative mind and how we can see and feel before it is real. Maybe because we are creative souls we have a ability to be more sensitive, more intuitive. Maybe not.
    也许在上午早些时候太难了。我没有意义。无论我的心为你的痛苦和损失伤害。这非常亲密,您可以分享。
    今天早上想着你的爱

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  2. Hayley, oddly enough, I was just thinking about your older sister the other day... You know, not that having people we love be removed from us is ever a thing we wish for or want, but I truly think that it has helped create the incredibly open and loving and passionate person that you are today. And because of that, I bet you never take Kate for granted, and that is something that most siblings (or family members) don't have. Cherish it. I'm sorry your dream was so sad. Bad dreams suck. There is this book by Carlos Castenada (sp?) called the Art of Dreaming. You should read it, sometime.

    <3 Amanda

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  3. hayley, i hope you woke up from a pleasant dream and the day greets you with it's warm embrace. i'm so sorry you lost your sister, i had no idea. the love you share in your posts of you and your sister are very apparent. it is no wonder you are so close and have such a warmth to you. there is nothing that can remove that pain of death, but in time, only time, we do pray for that softness to enter our hearts again. thank you for opening your heart for the rest of the world to know it's beautiful to be exactly who you are ... a lovely, bright shining star. in doing that, in being courageous, you make it acceptable for others to do the same. <3

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  4. 爱你hayley。我希望你今晚有一个晚安睡个好觉~~~~~~

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  5. thank you everyone so much for the sweet and thoughtful comments. we are all surrounded with more support and love than we even realize. thank you!

    Mish,你是善良的,谢谢你在我的思想中分享:)。我知道,这是这么伤心失去身边的人,就像你的邻居正经历着现在。并听到有人哭泣,它也让你哭泣......所以它几乎是安慰,我想,知道有人和你一起哭泣。我们并不孤单,所有人都与我们的情绪深处分享。呵呵你很有趣 - 你写的时候很早就达到了该死的!希望我早点醒来!是的,梦想的感觉和感情似乎真的连接到我们的本能,更简单,也许甚至到了一个勇敢的自我......我和梦想后几个小时就是这样思考和感觉好像它真的发生了!Mish,我们互相发现。希望很快能见到你! xo

    amanda, as usual you offer me such great inspiration. i love carlos castenada. ive read a few of his books, but not that one. i will definitely read it! he's amazing. and thank you so much for the reminder that grief really does draw you closer to other loved ones, and yes, teaches us to not take people for granted. it's true, i love kate and my parents more than i ever have.. and i understand how precious and limited our time here is. one thing i have to do now, is make sure things are good and resolved before anyone drives somewhere! anytime i get in an argument with my family or with patrick and then they leave and drive- i call them or text to say i love them and im sorry. something good and honest and real truly does come out of pain. thanks amanda! you rock. xxx

    科里,你是如此亲爱的,我觉得很幸运能认识你!非常感谢美丽的令人鼓舞的话语。是的,时间是唯一的治疗师。我同意。随着时间的推移,一切都很软化。谢谢你总是鼓励我成为自己,并寻找并分享我们与世界的美丽!我本周的梦想更好 - 没有更多的死亡梦想..只是通常奇怪的事情或者没有梦想我记得。希望很快能碰到你!XO XO.

    anonymous (sheryl) love u so much. i gotta come by this weekend and take a dip! xxxx

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